Making your website as slow as possible in 10 steps

I'm going to show you 10 ways you can make your website as slow as possible. And then, of course, you'll know how to make your website as fast as possible.

Disclaimer: To make your website as fast as possible, you should do just the opposite. But I hope you get that after the title and introduction ;-).

1. Upload images at least 1 mb in size

When you upload an image to your website, make sure it is as large as possible. So not 300 x 300, but 5000 x 5000 if you can.

Also, you absolutely should not optimize it with a tool like TinyPNG and make sure that the image is the right file. So mainly make it a JPEG if it has a transparent background and make it a PNG if the image has no transparent parts.

2. Install as many plugins as possible

The more plugins, the better. Install a plugin for each functionality.

For example, for Analytics, the Facebook Pixel, for that one beautiful header, for share buttons and for content loading. Make sure your website has at least 25+ plugins, because only then will you really notice your website getting faster.

The sky is the limit.

3. Make use of as many external tools & scripts as possible and load them in as early as possible

Besides plugins, external files, scripts and tools are also very important. Especially if you load them early.

So above all, use as many tools as possible, put as many videos as possible in the header and load as much content as possible from other websites.

Think iframes, YouTube videos, Instagram feeds, scripts from Analytics, Leadinfo, Facebook and, of course, opt-in forms from the likes of OptinMonster.

The more features, the better.

4. Take advantage of cheap shared hosting

You may think that your Web site likes being on a server by itself. But your Web site doesn't like that at all. Your Web site likes it much better when it's on a slow server with 100 Web sites.

The more souls, the more joy. Working together then goes much better, helping each other goes much better, and if you have problems, you can share them nicely with each other.

Teamwork makes the dream work, right?

5. Use a free theme with hundreds of features

If you want to create a website, then you should definitely do it yourself. That is always the right choice. Then when you get started, you should make sure above all that you use a theme that has not been downloaded a lot and that really everything is in the theme.

Because, of course, you shouldn't have something you want to make that your theme can't handle. So check well in advance that the theme is suitable for everyone on earth. Because then you will avoid disappointments afterwards.

6. Do not use caching

There is a lot on the Internet about making your website faster. But why would you want to do that? Those articles contain a number of tips that are not true. And we are going to disprove them now.

We start caching. So caching is something you definitely don't want. Because you don't want part of your website to be stored on a visitor's computer, do you? That can just be a speed gain and that is never what you want.

You want a slow website, so visitors have to wait a long time. That way they will stay on your website for a long time without clicking on that cross!

7. Don't use lazy loading

If something starts with the word lazy, I already drop out. And the same goes for lazy loading, of course. If we are talking about Web sites, then lazy loading can go in the trash.

Because if it's lazy, I don't need it.

Lazy loading means that it loads certain elements later. I don't find that convenient because when someone visits my website, they do need to see the 6 videos that are in the header.

Because that's the most important thing there is. Anyway.

8. Do not use a CDN

If you use a CDN, your website is on multiple servers around the world. I think that's exciting ... people in Argentina can then also visit your website smoothly and quickly.

And I don't need that. I only want people in Utrecht to be able to visit my website quickly. People in other provinces have nothing to look for on my website.

9. Do not use GZIP compression.

Compression is nothing but reducing data. And that scares me. Because I don't want my data to be reduced in size. I am proud of my data and the data is the most important thing there is.

My website should stay away from that.

10. Clean up your website and database as little as possible

I thrive when there is chaos. The more chaos, clutter, people and stuff, the better it is for me. And so does my website. 2,000 images of 3 MB each (see tip 1)? YES!!! Lots of pages that aren't being used? YES! Lots of clutter, demos and files on the server? YES PLEASE!